Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
