I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
