I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
