the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
try to milk me bitch
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