after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Randomize
