what day is it and did you see me today?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Terrible idea I love it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
