I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
