I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
