dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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