i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
