so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
two words...techno handjob
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
