sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
