Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
