Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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