Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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