I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
