TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
