Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
