just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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