Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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