Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
