I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
