my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
