Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
