things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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