No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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