i just wanna soil my oats bro
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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