1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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