last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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