His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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