I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize