I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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