the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
