i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
