I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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