so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
