He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
