Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You took a bar mat shot.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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