I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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