You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
