Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
