I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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