i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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