Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
