I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
