is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I want her autograph on my taint
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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