i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
