I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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