You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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