In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
