mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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