My liver just broke up with me...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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