Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
