I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it wasn't lemon gatorade
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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