my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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