I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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