I have demons in me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
