Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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