I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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