Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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