Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
