...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
