This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
